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Brett
Versus the World
Ever since i have been little i have known the world has been against here
is me. I accepted it and kept score this is my story:
The dollar store incident
When i was in sixth grade
my then best friend Steve and i decided to go into a dollar store and ask for
price checks (It seemed brillent at the time but little did we know what horrors
awaited for us.) So we go into the store and we each asked for price checks
then we were promptly escorted out.I look over to Steve who looks determined
to annoy the cashier then to my utmost horror STeve screamed at the top of his
lungs, "How much for you to suck my dick, is that a dollar too you fucking
asshole?" INstantaniously the cashier lept up in hand with a flare gun.
He started running at us screaming in his language as loud as a man could yell.
He chased us for 5 blocks, we finally lost 'em.
World:1 Brett: 0
When Sacchi's sister
attacks:
In 8th grade I used to walk
home with my friends Dean and Chris every day. We would always pass this kid
Andrew Sacchi's house,in simple language he was a violent mother fucker with
a temper as short as his penis size. We were stupid then (and now...) so we
would scream things at him when he was upstairs, far away from us. Then he would
preceed to chase us to our homes. He never cought us thank God..... But his
sister did. It went down just like this. We had just yelled at Andrew and made
it down the block when his sister pulled up next to us and screamed at the top
of her lungs. FOILED AGAIN:
World: 2 Brett: 0
The longest middle finger
ever:
One day in 5th grade Dean
and myself were walking down a street without a sidewalk. We walked on people's
lawns to avoid being hit by cars. As we were walking an old woman drives up
and keeps honking the horn signaling for us to move. Now remember we could not
get any further from the road because we were on lawns. The lady pulls up and
preceeds to give me the finger...Now I have been given the finger a lot of times
but this had to be the longest, skinniest finger ever. I know what your saying.
World:3 Brett: 0....but...I consider this a moral victory.
World: 2 Brett: 1
The German guy INcident:
In my neighborhood lives
Josh, me and our arch nemesis known as 'German Guy'. NAme given after he threatened
to kill Josh's mom with a German Shephard. We always planned to get German Guy
but we never got around to do it untill this one day (Cue dramatic music here).
You see JOsh and I had a water balloon launcher. The box has a warning stating
it can fire at 75 MPH with a balloon. We were using eggs. We obviously needed
a 3rd person to work the thing so we got our friend Mike to help us. We scouted
out the area by Josh's block and set up, as we were doing it German Guy saw
us. He started running towards us, Josh put all his weight behind it and the
egg hit and left a nice shiner (dent in lamens' terms) in the guys siding. Without
warning JOsh took off and out of no where a shout come out, "IF I EVER
CATCH YOU MOTHER FUCKERS I AM GONNA KILL YOU!!"..yes..he was pissed. With
Josh gone, Mike and I jump into a series of bushes by a nearby church and hide.
More swears came from German Guy as he searched the premises then he heard a
noise by our direction and started coming near us, without hesitation Mike and
I start hopping fences faster then we have in our lives. We barely left it out
leaving a trail in the yard and the town's Police Blotter.
World: 2 Brett: 2
The Lou Incident(s)
Every neighborhood in America
has its old annoying guy. One just happens to live next door to my friend Will.
This guy was a real dick. He was known to just come out and yell at this kid
for the littlest thing. I.E. playing basketball at 8 PM.."Go inside goddamit..Insert
swear word here." and so on and so forth. Will has some people over the
house and I almost get hit by some shithead driver outside Will's house. Lou
comes out.."YOu stupid asshole..bla bla bla..god damn you all." And
so on. Just the fact that that enraged him that much is a heavy Brett victory.
World: 2 Brett: 3
What are you stupid or
something?
About 3 years ago i was
down the shore with my friend Danny and i spent 2 weeks down at his house...down
there (that sentance flowed like a mac truck). Anyways it could get preaty boring
down there so what we would end up doing was to go down to the local bay and
throw mud at each other. So during one of these skirmishs Danny plastered muck
hard as hell on the back of some fat guy with an infaltable duck round his massive
waist. The smack echoed so loud if you were a block away you would of heard
it. The fat guy slowly turned around and went off on Dan. It was probably the
single most greatest momment in my life at one point the fat guy goes "WHAT
ARE YOU STUPID ARE SOMTHING?" at the top of his fucking lungs. Dan this
goes to show you messing me with in a muck fight is like trying to win a ass
kicking contest when your a one legged man. Dance with the devil your gonna
get burrned
World: 2 Brett: 4
The Shirl Lafalce Incident
In 8th grade i went on a
CCD trip to visit a cathedral in newark that part isnt important the part that
is, is that Shirl Lafalce was the chaperone. My friends and myself did what
any gentlemen would do... We called her by her first name a bunch a times and
hide under the seats when she turned around. Much to the anger of her at the
time huge son Rob. When we got off the bus Rob told me and my friend Jhon to
get up against the bus so he could beat our asses... I had to think he was gonna
beat me up then divine inspiration came down from the heavens. I kicked Rob
in the nuts put my hands in the air and made two peace signs and sprinted home
shouting WHOOOO HOOOO!!!
World: 2 Brett: 5
The Barbie Mobile Incident
You know those hot wheel
cars that you have to charge for like three hours to get like 20 mins of riding
time with? Well, my freshmen year i was down the shore with my friend Danny
whose sister happened to have one. So we did what any self respecting teenage
male would do at the time, we hooked it up to a little kid's bike with a bungee
chord and i rode in the barbie mobile as Danny pedaled the bike. During our
crusing we happened across a flock of beatifull teenage girls who laughed at
us like no tomorrow... It was a day that would live in infamy...
World: 3 Brett: 5
It seems that Brett is
winning the first round but can he be this lucky... Nahhh he is bound to lose
so stay tunned for another installement of Brett Vs the world on another day...
To Be continued...
Round 1 Brett!!!
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